I was privileged to be in the room and bear witness to the passing through of my mother-in-law from this life into the next today at 3:33pm. There is this space between life and death- this reverent, holy, peace-filled, silent space. You feel in every cell of your own body if you pay attention. I noticed my breath as she struggled with hers. I noticed my heart beating as her sped and slowed. I noticed the solemn in the moment as those who loved her looked on, let her go, and carried her to the beyond of this earth.

The body is so resilient. It fights until the last breath to live on. As her breath slowed, her heartbeat quickened, pulsing for each moment to live longer. The desire to stay is strong! There is so much here to leave behind and the ahead is so unknown, quite scary, if we are honest. Even as "believers" we still don't know - there's no certainty about what is after this adventurous, painful, joy-filled life on earth. We believe in the something, the something better but...

Where do we go?

What happens to us?

Who is there with us?

How do we leave all the loves of our lives behind?

My mother-in-law was scared. I went to bed last night praying that those on the other side would visit and reassure her. That she would be comforted in the transition between now and the inevitable then.

As I watched her slip away today - her breath slowing - she began to struggle a little and Marc (her son, my husband) stepped in as her hero once again. Leaning over, ever so tenderly, he rubbed her head and whispered the things her heart needed to hear to quiet and let go. It was a beautiful, intimate moment to witness. With each promise, her struggle lifted and peace flooded in. So much love in the room - sister, brother-in-law, daughters, daughter-in-law, son and husband. Carrying her to what comes next. Her eyes opened for a moment at the end as she looked toward her husband and son standing together, loving her! Oh glorious sight indeed!

She was a lovely woman who loved big! Many who knew her knew her love for original art, her flowerbeds and her pocket angels that she shared, when prompted, with strangers. She loved Mardi Gras, I would dare to say, it was her favorite holiday - rich with memories, so it was quite fitting that she "chose" today as her Home Going! I imagine God had it all prepared for her- parade and all - to welcome His beloved into Heaven. She loved a good parade, she loved being the center of attention, and all the fanfare and carrying on that came with being the center of attention. She missed her mom and dad and has for a long time, so the reunion must have been amazing!

Can't you just see it?

---the longest, most decorated, decadent parade

with angels and loved ones

throwing real gold doubloons and beads of pearls, sapphires, rubies and emeralds.

Nothing fake about this parade, not for this daughter!

I am thankful for the years I had with her. We definitely had our differences of opinions and warred at times, over the years, but we loved each other. She loved and accepted me and my two first babies before Marc and I were a "real" family. She loved us well, all of us! She was a special lady - she made the earth a better place. She will be missed!

I got to visit Smith Lake in Alabama this week and sit on its banks for a few days. It is a beautiful place full of peace and quiet. I practiced silence and solitude for the first half of each of the days here and was inspired to write again this short thought.

One morning sitting on a screened porch, I listened to all the sounds nature offered. Birds singing a tune, leaves rustling ever so slightly, the water on the lake still and serene. It was a quiet, undisturbed scene. I was mesmerized by the peace that enveloped. I like these moments in life - you know those moments when all is right in your world, you feel the love, joy, peace that those quiet, undisturbed moments can offer. It feels good to sit with these and be grateful - kids well, marriage secure, business growing, friendships sweet, food choices healthy... all the things that make my heart thankful and at ease.

In the distance the humming of something approaching, something that will invade this space with its speed, noise and movement. Something that will break this spell of peace surrounding me.

A boat is rounding the corner on this lake, speeding through my silence.

Breaking through the glass top of the lake it sends ripples rushing, water moving rhythmically towards the shore. These ripples affect everything! The shoreline awakens with sounds of rocking and slapping - everything disturbed - new sounds captivate my attention. The lullaby of waves dancing against objects they contact.

So necessary -- this movement!

I am reminded that life is active, changing, dynamic. We are not allowed to stay in our peace cocoons forever - we must MOVE with the ripples when they come. AND they will come, it is inevitable.

Life is

unpredictable

and at times, unbearable.

These ripples ravage us, leaving us heartsick, heartbroken, heart-aching to be back in safety and that coveted peace but it is in these heart moments that our hearts beat again for a the new things that come in the rippling dance that shakes all things loose and leaves us weak-kneed. These ripples break the silence to set all things dancing, rearranging, and opening us up to the MORE God has for us. These ripples open our hearts to beat again for new, impossible things to come to our shores. Awakens us to the things we have been asleep to, ignored because of our fear, pushed away because it's too painful. We are forced to come face-to-face with the ripples that shake the shore, making us dizzy, unsure footed, and toppling over.

Stepping into the waves, going deeper, what we find is that instead of drowning we are washed clean, made new, stronger and braver.

The ripples provide us with

radical resilience,

capacious courage,

passionate possibility.

Walking early Sunday morning through the Acadiana Park I came across this sign - "Do not pick wildflowers" and it got me thinking. I love wildflowers and definitely agree with this "rule" because I like to see them growing and if you pick them I will miss them and vice versa but this sign brought me down another path of thought as I walked pondering the "wildflowers" in my life.

Merriam-Webster's Dictionary defines "wildflower" as the flower of a wild or uncultivated plant or the plant bearing it. In most cultures around the world the wildflower represents joy. Urban Dictionary defines it as a free spirit., uncultivated by the mainstream, independent thinker, bravely growing wild and free in a world plagued by conformity. The scene from Alice's Adventures in Wonderland by Lewis Carroll adds to this definition when Alice finds herself in a flower garden shrunk to size of the flowers around her: "Do you suppose she is a Wildflower?", said the Daisy. "We don't let wildflowers grow here, Independent minds and wild hearts are not encouraged".

Wildflowers!!

I have been blessed with so many wildflowers in my life.

Beautiful women forging their own paths,

finding their own ways of being,

searching for the untamed,

going against the grain,

wild and free.

These women have helped to pollinate so many of my thoughts, expanding and stretching me to include and investigate out of my comfort zone. These women have cultivated a safe place for me to find myself learning to settle into my own skin and embrace the beauty I hold. These women have burst through the what is to the what could be. These women have been the honey to some of the bitter lessons of life. These women have been a community for growth, healing and finding treasure.

I am so thankful for the wildflowers that have grown across my path over the years. I am so thankful for the bending to take a closer look. I am so thankful for the picking of each wildflower I was gifted to hold close, to smell the fragrance and to appreciate the beauty! Thank you WILDFLOWERS past and present - thank you!

So...YES! Pick the wildflowers!!!

A friend of mine and I walked the labyrinth at Hospice of Acadiana this early morning. I was sweetly reminded of another friend who lost her life to cancer as I stepped into the labyrinth.

Releasing, Releasing, Releasing!

The letting go and surrendering with each step - moving away from what has been, moving away from what is now the past, moving, letting go, surrender.

Each step intentional, slow, methodical.

Focus on breath,

Focus on movement,

Focus on the thoughts that try to steal this moment of still and surrender.

Letting go...

As I wound my way through the labyrinth I focused on those I have loved, still love, and I let go more. Emptying...Walking with my feet in mind...first my heel strikes the pavement then foot relaxes into the wave of the walk as toes follow the forward movement- each step another opportunity to surrender to what is. Slow my pace to be in this moment.

A final step into the center. Nature singing her song all around me.

The unusually cool August day - thank you God.

The bird orchestra - thank you God.

The lovebugs kissing my skin - thank you God.

The sunshine warm on my neck - thank you God.

The ants busy underfoot - thank you God.

This moment of still in my heart - thank you God.

Breathing, moving, I wind my way back out of the labyrinth, back to where I began. Not the same...different. With a thankful heart I move through the maze thanking God for the people, for the lessons that have been shared between. The love, the laughter, the tears, the prayers, the life lived together but for a season.

Thankful...I move through.

Went on a girls' beach trip this summer with some friends to beautiful Orange Beach, Alabama. The water was the perfect shade of blue-green, the sand pristine white, the sunrises vibrant orange, yellow and pink.

breathtaking.. the beach never disappoints!

My favorite time on the beach is early morning before the world wakes. The ocean waves, birds, and, if you are lucky enough to spot them, dolphins welcome you into each day at the beach as the sun begins its ascension, transforming the sky into a canvas of color that is never the same with each morning rise. The fireball peeks between the buildings, rising faster and faster up into the morning sky right before your eyes. It really is quite magical!

The girlfriend, who invited me, purchased some waterfront beach chairs with an umbrella for the week. Thank goodness because this white girl turns pretty pink, pretty quick. One morning, with coffee cup in hand, I traipsed out to our reserved chairs to enjoy the morning's arrival and noticed a stranger in my space. Shoot!! Didn't he know these chairs were reserved. Not sure what to do, do I move closer and claim my seat or do I find another space to sit? "Inconvenience!"

My very outgoing, biggest heart, love every stranger kind of friend wasn't too far behind so I stopped and looked back at her with questioning eyes - what should we do? And what I received back from her through the glance of our eyes made me laugh out loud! Like a puppy excited to see its owner return home, this amazing friend lit up and moved in. "Opportunity!" she said.

And there it was - in two simple words - the difference between my experience in that moment and hers!

Inconvenience versus Opportunity

It really is the loveliest of stories - we visited with this man for about 20 minutes and found out that he was on a quick get away with his family that had been planned but hard to come because two weeks prior to this beach getaway he lost his big brother, his best friend to a massive, unexpected heart attack and he was heart broken over his loss. We got to love on him, and pray for him - it was the sweetest of divine appointments. And in my "inconvenienced" mindset I almost missed it. I would have missed it had it not been for my "opportunistic" friend!

I hate to admit it but I tend to live life MORE this way than I care to say. And what do I miss as a result? SO MUCH I do believe. In my concern to stay small, insulated, close I miss opportunities to move in and expand my tent pegs.

I sat that morning after our divine visit thinking about the why behind this way - my history explains most of it - a story colored with past rejection, fear, insecurity, not belonging, jealousy, betrayal, misunderstanding. It's all there in my history, but our history doesn't have to be the foundation for our future. I can move pretty quickly to shame and self hatred, I have had years of practice and have mastered this art of self abuse - I initially wanted to compare and hate myself for my reaction but instead suspended and delighted in my friend's reaction as the lesson to be learned.

What a beautiful OPPORTUNITY to experience. To live life with arms wide open, seeing others, welcoming them in and inviting them to be known. I want to be more like that! It is the loveliest and one of my most favorite qualities about this friend. I recognize that I do offer this - but it is on my time, in my way, very controlled and orchestrated - not wild and free and flowing! I want to free flow in this quality and invite in the opportunities that present themselves to me in each moment offered. I can do this with earth songs - a breeze, a bumblebee, a sunrise - I can pause, open my heart and receive the divinity in each moment - but I don't pause the same with people that come across my path - the waiter, the store owner, the stranger.

How might days be different if I could stop and see each of these as a divine offer.....

pause,

invite,

and recognize the wonder as I do with a beach sunrise?!

(big sigh)

Every year for Christmas we each give Jesus a birthday gift - something that we choose to work on for the year to develop Christlike character and be more like Him as the year progresses. This is going to be my birthday gift to Jesus for 2021 - to flip this mindset - those moments and people that in the busyness of my life that have felt initially like an inconvenience -- flip it -- see as opportunity; an opportunity to slow, invite and recognize the wonder right before my eyes! AND I choose to start NOW and not wait until December...I think I will probably need the extra few months to perfect this one! :) (thank you Jeanne, i love you)

Walking across my yard this morning, I watched two birds fly overhead. A big black crow was being chased by a much smaller mockingbird. The crow was at least 2-3 times bigger than the bird chasing it.

How many things in your life are chasing after you and have you running scared without looking back to the shadow?

Why don't we look back at the things that scare us?

What keeps us moving forward away from that scary thing behind us?

What if......

What if it's not as big, bad, bold, beastly as you think?

I know that the things that scare me, oftentimes, control me. I run scared and not even sure what I am running from. Emotions jacked up, thoughts racing, nausea in my belly, heart heavy with worry and anxiety, adrenaline coursing through my veins and I don't even know why. Can't quite put my finger on what it is all about. Do you know what I mean?

The last few days I have felt this in moments. Panic rising, finding my breathing labored and fear taking hold. It grabs me before I even realize it. It's sneaky that way.

Creeps up,

creeps in,

and the creeping invades all - body, soul and spirit.

We must stay vigilant and alert and for heavens sake - TURN AROUND!

What is chasing you? What is it? Look it square in the eye and call it back under your authority. Your thoughts, your body do NOT have permission to wild without your acknowledgement and agreement.

When I notice the wilding this is what I do:

• notice - notice my body...heart...mind...(where do i feel it?)

• acknowledge that i feel...(name it)

• ask myself what is causing these feelings, can i control these circumstances or situations...(if i can - i do something about it, if i cannot...)

• i TURN AROUND - i use EFT (Emotional Freedom Tapping Technique), prayer, writing, calling a friend to externally process - something to take ownership of my emotions and bring the chaos back into order.

What little bird is chasing you out of your yard? What little bird is making a lot of noise and creating chaos in your space? What little bird is running the show? What little bird is wreaking havoc in your body, soul and spirit?

2 Timothy 1:7 For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control. With power and love (self-love) and self-control we cultivate a sound, clear, grounded, in the moment, unshaken, faith-mountain-moving mind!

Did you know that emotions have a vibration? Anger, jealousy, joy, sadness, fear, delight all vibrate at a specific frequencies. Ever heard the saying emotions are contagious? Have you ever noticed when you walk into a funeral service how you literally can feel the grief in the room, it's heavy and can feel suffocating. Have you ever listened to a friend's story about an injustice and by the end of it you are feeling as ticked off about it as they are feeling? What about when you hang out with really happy joy-filled people, ever notice how you leave that experience feeling lighter and happier? This is because emotions are contagious! They buzz all about us all the time and literally change our body chemistry if we are not paying attention.

The human body is somewhere between 65-80% water (depending on what source you cite). Have you ever watched water in a container by a speaker when music is playing? It vibrates from the frequencies of the music. Our bodies literally do the same things with the emotional frequencies we surround ourselves with.

Emotional contagion is a real thing. You are a walking emotional conductor, picking up the energetic vibration of all the busyness about you. And if you are not careful and unaware you can start to believe that some of what you are picking up is actually yours instead of someone else's emotional debris.

Start paying attention!

Ask yourself, "Am I feeling this way or is this my friend's stuff who I just got off the phone with or the cashier where I just check out from or the people in the room I just left?" We subconsciously pick up and carry other's baggage with us without our even knowing and baggage is heavy!!

So before assuming it's yours - your sadness, frustration, jealousy, anger, disappointment, etc. check it out - be an observer of yourself.

Did I feel this way when I woke up?

When did I start feeling this way?

What happened before I started feeling this way?

Backtrack in your day and look for the root. You might find that what you are feeling is not yours at all AND if it is NOT ---SHAKE IT OFF!!!

Get out of your chair and shake it off!! You will feel the load lift and fall off - shake shake shake shake shake shake shake!

Are you a busy bee? I'm am! Always moving, fidgeting, wiggling about! I can remember being little eating spaghetti at my uncle's house sitting halfway in a chair, one cheek on, one cheek off, wiggling, moving, squirming all over the place. I can close my eyes and hear him say, "Melissa Ayn sit still and eat your dinner." I am pretty sure I drove him a little crazy with all the vibration and buzzing around the dinner table. We laugh about it now, it's a sweet memory!

Life is buzzy! Instant coffee, microwaves, fast drying nail polish, we don't have to sit still for too long. Waiting is a lost art for sure. Most of us have forgotten how to slow and be still. It takes effort now to do so. Our fast paced lives demand we move and move quickly.

I am still pretty fidgety - if you sit near me for any length of time you will notice. I still wiggle and squirm in my chair. Cross my legs, uncross my legs, lean in, lean back, spin my hair into a bun, play with my necklace...wiggly! I kind of drive myself a little crazy now (Sorry Uncle J, but know that I get you now - driving myself a little batty with all the vibration and buzzing about.) It's hard to slow...

Some are better than others at slowing, letting time morph into crawl where they find themselves capturing the minutes and savoring the moments. If you are wired like me - this is much harder. Quiet takes practice and purposeful cultivating. I'm sure this is true for all types, I don't think this day and age in our culture "slow" comes naturally for anyone but some are better at slipping into it faster. Like a favorite pair of soft slippers they can't wait to get back to - they run to the side of their bed to find them waiting and easily ease right back into with little to no effort once the move toward them is made. For me, I have to find those doggone slippers first. Kicked under the bed, moved to that bathroom, left on the back porch? Where the heck did they go??

Making space for quiet stillness to silence and slow.

Doesn't that sound nice? Did you take a deep breath as you read that? I did when I wrote it!

How can you silence and slow?

How can you cultivate quiet?

How can you make space for stillness?

Stillness Practice comes when I write, when I leisurely walk my dog, when I notice the sunrise in the morning and slow to capture with my camera, when I call my mom to chat while driving to pick up my kids, when I notice that full feeling when eating and stop before my plate is empty, when I sit and really listen to the stories of my middle schoolers day, when I look into my husband's eyes when I kiss him, when I enjoy the sweat and heart pound while doing lunges at the gym, when sipping a cup of coffee with a friend and holding space for each other's heart stories..

Being intentional in the time, causes my heart to quiet and settle. The everyday things I am doing when

intentional in the time

settles, quiets, captures and slows.

It's so great when you can stop in at a yoga class, take a bubble bath, sit in contemplative prayer, go for a leisurely bike ride. When your schedule allows to purposefully slow - those moments are amazing, but everyday life doesn't usually offer such expanse.

It's not about changing what you are doing, it's about capturing it in what is already happening in the everyday moments that make up your life.

Intentional in the time that is your life.

Faith is defined by the Cambridge Online Dictionary as, "a high degree of trust or confidence in something or someone."

"In Greek, the root word from which we get 'faith, the noun is PISTIS, and 'believe', the verb is PISTUEO. FAITH means- belief, firm persuasion, assurance, firm conviction, faithfulness."

"Faith is the connecting power into the spiritual realm, which links us with God and makes Him become a tangible reality to the sense perceptions of a person."

https://en.wikibooks.org/wiki/Hebrew_Roots/The_original_foundation/Faith

"a tangible reality to the sense perceptions..."

Tangible is described as a "thing perceptible by touch" - to touch God is the working power of faith. It is with faith we feel supernatural presence and know that we are held.

I often doubt - how about you? When I don't feel or see God's movement in my life, when the Divine feels far away, out of reach, when I feel confused, lost, hopeless, tired, ticked off, betrayed, left out, struggling to find meaning and purpose, weary of the same old, same old. I doubt! How about you?

I have believed that THIS - THIS DOUBT - is the opposite of FAITH.

It's NOT!

Doubt is defined as "a feeling of uncertainty or lack of conviction." Doubt is a normal, human emotion that comes and goes with us fickle, tossed creatures. We cannot measure our faith in our feelings. We have bad days, this is true and sometimes those bad days steal us away from the truth of

who we are,

where we are,

how we are,

what we are!

But I have learned that this thing called Doubt is NOT the opposite of Faith. It can challenge our faith, it can blurry our faith, it can distract us from our faith, but it is, in fact, not the opposite. It's just uncertainty and to be uncertain positions us to ask some really good questions for us to wrestle with. It is in this place that our faith grows richer and deeper.

Who are you God?

Where are you God?

Are you with me God?

The wrestle is real and the wrestle transforms our faith if we dig deep and do the unearthing work! Heart soil sifted to reveal the limiting beliefs, the mind-altering distortions, and pus-filled wounds that still need healing balm from supernatural medicine cabinets.

Doubt is not the opposite - it is the "set up" for the MORE God has for each of us if we choose it!

No doubt is not the opposite...

SIGHT is!

Hebrews 11:1 reminds us that "faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see."

Sight is the opposite of faith. It is what we see with our natural eye that robs and challenges us our "tangible reality to the sense perceptions." When we focus on what we see on those not so good, faith lost days, we lose FAITH! Our eyes deceive us. Most of us have not been blessed with "spiritual eyes" to see into the invisible spaces. We can not see angels and demons warring for souls and destinies, we can not see Divine master plans unfolding for our good, we can not see the calculated millions of moves and moments that orchestrate the synchronicities of success, breakthroughs, births, revelations.

We cannot see! And when we cannot see, we lose our faith.

The opposite of faith is sight. I'm learning to keep my eyes on the prize. To remember and hold to promises, words spoken, and quiet moments between God and I that reassure and remind me of where I am going.

Our sight gets in the way of what we know in our hearts. What you see can sometimes discourage and distract you off the path. We can become soul lost in the journey led with our eyes.

LIFT YOUR EYES!

Faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see. Don't set your focus on what you SEE, remember what you have been told, remember the promises spoken over you, remember the truth about who you are and God's plans for you, remember what your HEART knows to be true. Remember!!!